But it's an emergency!

You know, I get lots of "emergency" prescriptions every day that aren't really emergencies. So it got me to thinking that maybe people don't really know what constitutes an emergency. So I thought I'd write this handy little guide for the one or two people who might actually be reading this blog.

Okay - what is an emergency:

"I was in a car accident and just got out of the emergency room with this prescription for pain." Yes, that's an actual emergency.

"My baby has a fever of 103 and my doctor gave me this prescription for an antibiotic." Yes, that is also an actual emergency.

Now, what is NOT an emergency:

"I ran out of my Synthroid and haven't taken a pill for three days." That is NOT an emergency. That is your own freakin' fault for #1 not noticing all month long that the number of pills in your medicine bottle was dwindling, and #2 for still not noticing for three days that the freakin' thing was EMPTY. In technical terms - you are a moron.

"I'm having a procedure done tomorrow and I need this prescription (dated 6 months ago) filled RIGHT NOW!" That is NOT an emergency. You had the prescription in your hands for 6 months and could have dropped it off at any time to get it filled. But you waited until the last freakin' minute. That's your own damn fault.

"I need this cream filled immediately. It's for acne vulgaris." This is also NOT an emergency. You have one or more pimples. Get over it. You can wait until I'm done with the pain meds for the cancer patient, the heart pills for old Mrs. Smith, and the antibiotic for the baby in the waiting area who is screaming because his infected ear hurts. Just remember - if acne was fatal, no one would live past their teens.

"I need my birth control filled right now because I'm going away on vacation and my plane leaves in an hour." You know, I'm torn on this one. On the one hand, you really should have planned ahead long enough to make sure that you had your refill done in plenty of time before you left. And if your plane is leaving in an hour and you are standing here in my store, there's not a chance in hell that you are going to get to the airport in time to get through security and board your flight. But on the other hand, if you are really that stupid that you think you can breeze into my store to make me drop every thing so you can race to a plane you can't possibly catch - then you are probably too stupid to be allowed to have kids. So maybe I should not only drop everything to fill your prescription, I should shove the damn pills down your throat AND throw in a free box of condoms. I mean, why take chances?

"I need my Vicodin filled 29 days early (for the sixth time in a row) because I accidentally dropped the bottle in the toilet (again)." That is NOT an emergency. That is you being a really lame drug scammer. You are fooling no one, so just give it up already. There will be NO drugs for you today.

"I need my narcotic cough medicine filled early because I accidentally poured that in my kid's cereal instead of milk." (And I swear I'm NOT making that one up!) This is NOT an emergency prescription. It's a whole different kind of emergency. I want you to hand me whatever drugs you have left, and turn the kids over to someone else - RIGHT NOW! If you can't tell the difference between Tussionex and milk, you are far too stupid to be trusted with either children or drugs, and you should probably be locked in a home for the terminally stupid somewhere before you hurt yourself or someone else.

I think I might print this out and post it in 6 inch high letters in my pharmacy. It probably won't help, but it might make my more intelligent customers smile.